It's a slow news day, but slow news is good news, unless you're Gareth Danger; hapless owner of a doomed waxworks museum, due to be closed for being a fire hazard. Live at the scene is mercurial reporter, Malcolm Please, intrepidly bringing the events of the day into your eyes and ears. Nobody could report on a story so momentous with the same heart-wrenching pathos. Well, not with the ability to wrap up just in time for the weather.

"It’s a slow news day"